Before we set out on our recent trip to Portugal and Panama, I decided that I would “allow” this trip to be about my spiritual awakening.
I’ve long felt a bit lonely and disconnected from the “greater power” with only very tiny and passing glimpses into its presence and love.
I can maybe count exactly 2 times in my life where I really felt this presence. I’m 33. That’s a bit shyte. Sometimes I shake my fist at the sky in frustration at this cold shoulder I’ve been getting.
But of course, the problem is me. The problem is that I live in my head. I’m convinced that all solutions exist right here on earth. In my brain or in someone else’s.
I’m convinced that, even though there’s a higher power, it’s not its job to help me.
And, as anyone who is into this woo-woo stuff will tell you, it’s that very same conviction that leads me to not get that help.
I’m a control freak. Fuck letting go. That shit is for losers who don’t have their shit together.
Except they’re not losers. They’re winning. And I’m losing.
They’re calm and easy-going. I’m frantic and curled up into a tight mess of anxiety and the illusion of control.
They’re “happy” or, at least, more at peace than I am. While I sit here, cursing my damn computer for breaking. Cursing my damn car for breaking. And cursing every other damn fucking thing that’s not right in my life right now.
(SIDEBAR: Funny thing is that I like to proclaim that I’m NOT a victim. That I take responsibility for the stuff going in my life. That last paragraph sure paints a different picture. lolz)
So I’ve got this sort of spiritual coach helping me learn to be a little less tense and be a little more “let-go-y”.
And it’s been helping quite a bit. BUT… it’s like this… the more you let go of, the more you become aware of that needs letting go of.
When you’ve been ignoring all the problems in your life and been FORCING it to work out the way YOU think is best… well there’s a TON of shit to let go of then. And once you open those gates of flowiness-bullshit, then you realise that they’re floodgates and you’re fucked now.
So I sit here “letting go” of some of the obvious stuff. And it helps a little. But there are some things that I’m damn convinced I should be able to handle myself and I haven’t been letting go of those.
Today, I realised, that one of those things is this God-forsaken MacBook I’m typing on. My last one fizzled out about a week or 2 ago and I bought this one. This one’s being a pain in my ass too.
And I need stability for my work.
But here’s the thing: the more I try and fix it myself, the more it fucks out.
Whether that’s just reinstalling it over and over or replacing it with yet another pre-loved MacBook, it’s just not been working MY way.
And that’s when I realised that this is an area where I can let go of something. I can admit that my way isn’t working and just open myself to whatever the universe already knows to be a better solution.
If you think this is weird bullshit woo-woo stuff, how do you think I feel?!
It feels dumb to think that letting go of a problem will solve it. But I’m also just completely exhausted of forcing my own way on the problems around me.
So here you go, universe. Do what you want with this damn thing. If it means I need to change careers, I trust that will become clear in due course. If it means I need a brand spanking new MacBook, I’m sure you’ll make that obvious. And if it means I need to use some other God-awful operating system, well I’ll take that on the chin and move on.